I don’t know how to date

It’s always been a mystery to me how dating works. I’m a pretty introverted guy, but to be honest I’m also very sociable. It’s never been a desire of mine to date, and I guess that’s a good thing, right? It’s just never something that I have the urge to do. But there a couple of setbacks. Though I’m okay with being alone, sometimes I just catch myself wanting someone by my side, someone to come home to, someone that I can be just be alone with. If there is anything better about being alone, it’s being alone with someone. Does that make sense a little? I’d like if someone can bask in the peace with me, do nothing without fear of doing nothing, break the silence between us both as if it there’s nothing wrong with the silence. But such is fantasy, only some thoughts to ponder on.

As I continue to test the waters of dating, I become scared of the process. Meeting someone who I don’t know at all is nerve-wrecking. I’m okay with meeting new friends but when it comes to someone I want to date, I lose all my confidence. I’m like a comedian who’s only funny on stage. When I don’t perform, I’m wrapped up in a blanket burrito eating ice cream, talking to no one, and pretending to be some sort of fat lazy cat. I don’t seek social interaction and I speak when I need to. There’s just comfort in my solitude.

Recently my friend and I pretended to date each other for April Fool’s. We started posting on each other’s walls a little too often, uploaded pictures of us together on Instagram and started dropped hints for all our friends. I kinda expected it, but everyone was surprised that I actually got into a relationship. But nobody spoke of it like it was a huge deal because I’m honestly the kind of guy people think would be juggling relationships. Like I get it, I’m pretty outgoing and social, but nobody understands that I much prefer the opposite. The attention was a little overwhelming, but it felt nice. It was like I forced butterflies in my tummy, it felt good to be in a fake-relationship. I didn’t want it to end because those two days felt like I had someone with me, even if it was remotely real. I guess that’s why people like dating, it must partially be a need to have someone but also to explore new possibilities, and to test yourself in confidence. I could just play a scenario in my head repeatedly, wondering what would be the steps of action into engaging with someone I have never set my eyes on before. It gives me the creeps. But if I were to approach them as somebody I want to be friends with, I’m suddenly a Power Ranger.

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